3 Steps for Setting Limits at the Holidays
It’s the most wonderful time of the year – or is it?
For many of us, the holidays don’t live up to the glittering and cozy images we see in commercials. The holidays come with anxiety, stress, overwhelm, and even sadness. In 2023, a poll by the American Psychological Association found that 89% of Americans experience stress from November-January due to the holidays.
You could feel stress in lots of areas:
Money stress. You want to give gifts that will be meaningful to the people you care about. You may want to travel to see loved ones. You may also like donating to valuable causes at this time of year. But money may be tight. High prices may mean that your money doesn’t buy what it used to. And yet, you still don’t want to let people down.
Not having enough time. Family get-togethers. Holiday work parties. Increased activities at church or synagogue. School concerts. They fill up your calendar, claiming your time. It’s a race to the end of the year, and you feel like you’re always behind. You’re trying to do it all, but you still feel like it isn’t enough.
Spending time with family. Ah, the family dynamics that have existed for years. You’re a fully functioning adult, but after 10 minutes with your family, you fall back into old patterns that no longer serve you. Or maybe you rail against those patterns, and then the arguments start. And let’s not even start on political discussions at the dinner table. (Where’s Leslie Jones when you need her?)
Loneliness. Maybe you don’t have family or loved ones to spend time with this year, either by circumstance or by choice. You feel different from people who have their loved ones with them, leaving you feeling isolated.
With these stressful factors going on, you might feel defeated even before the holidays begin. How can you do things differently this year?
Step #1: Adjust Expectations for Yourself First
Yes, we’re starting with the toughest one first. (Sorry not sorry!) There’s a reason for that, though: holiday stress begins within ourselves. We expect ourselves to buy the amazing gifts. We expect ourselves to make our families happy. We expect ourselves to feel joyful. Maybe it’s because we want to do all these things. Maybe it’s because we think we should do all these things. Maybe it’s because we’re afraid of what will happen if we don’t do all the things. Maybe it’s all three.
This is where adjusting expectations comes in. You know what it’s like to have really high expectations for yourself, and you know how badly you treat yourself when you don’t meet them. So what if, just for this year, you decide that you don’t have to do all the things?
Ask yourself: do I really need to bake all the cookies this year? Do I really need to host a party this year? Do I really need to sit through my family’s political debates? Do I really need to push myself to feel happy, when, in reality, I’m sad and really miss people?
Will the world end if I don’t do all the things? (No, it won’t). Will I feel guilty? (Possibly, but that’s within your control, too). Will I have more time and energy for the activities I choose to do? (Yes!)
There may be things that you still choose to do, even if you don’t want to do them. But think about adjusting a few expectations for yourself, and then notice the relief you feel.
Step #2: Identify Your Own Limits
You know the parts of the holidays that are toughest for you. You’re already dreading them. Instead of dreading them, start thinking about what you’re willing to deal with and what you’re not:
You may feel fine saying hi to your uncle at a family dinner, but you’re not fine with listening to his angry outbursts at the table.
You may feel fine going to one friend’s holiday party, but not to everyone’s party.
You may feel fine giving gifts to immediate family members, but not to all the extended family.
You may feel fine attending a work holiday party, but you’re not fine with staying for the entire event.
You may feel fine spending a few hours putting up decorations, but you’re not fine with spending your entire weekend doing it.
You may feel fine being around certain food and drinks, but you’re not fine with explaining why you aren’t eating/drinking them.
You may feel like spending some time with others, but you also want to spend time by yourself.
Allow yourself to be creative here. You have the right to choose whatever limits feel right for you, but you don’t automatically have to go to “I’m not seeing this person at all” or “I’m not going to visit anyone.” Instead, you can choose the amount of interaction that feels manageable for you. And if it becomes unmanageable…
Step #3: Act on Your Limits (Without Flipping a Table)
Sometimes the scariest part of setting limits is thinking that we need to do it with a THUD. Good news: You don’t need to stand up and shout “I will not take this anymore!” We can set limits through respectful actions and communication.
We can also worry that we have to explain our limits as we act on them. Good news: you don’t! Even if someone wants you to explain yourself – you don’t have to.
If a family member starts having an angry outburst at dinner, excuse yourself from the table and spend time elsewhere until it’s over. (Remember, you don’t have to explain yourself or even drop a hint that you’re upset. You can just leave the table).
If you choose not to attend a party, simply let the person know that you really appreciate the invitation but you can’t make it this time. If you feel absolutely pressed to give a reason, you can tell them that your schedule is extra limited this year, and leave it at that.
You can communicate to extended family that you do not plan to exchange gifts this year, but that you’re still looking forward to seeing them and catching up.
You can leave the party early. (Jim from “The Office” has some good advice on how to do this.)
If someone asks why you’re not eating or drinking something, you can say “It’s what I’ve chosen to do this year” and then change the topic. If the person persists, you can excuse yourself from the conversation and talk to someone else.
Note that none of these ideas involve getting upset, being apologetic, or expecting other people to change. This is about doing what is within your control to stay true to what works for you.
Have fun with trying these three steps this holiday season, and remember, you don’t have to do it perfectly in order for it to work!
